Twilight The Abridged Fanfic Or AntiFanfic
by OmniSayian
Summary: This is a random abridged version of Twilight I found on a website and got premission to put it on Fanfiction. Rated M for language and content. This is hilarious, please take a look.
1. Chapter 1

**This is something totally random I found at a Twilight Haters website. It was discontinued because everyone started laughing too hard to finish it. I have a nuetral take on Twilight and decided to post this on and have the premission of those who wrote it. If you don't like us completely massacring most of the story, don't read it. This is quite funny and I put it up here so everyone can have a good laugh. **

In the land of Forks, a coven of sparkling vampires lived together in harmony. Then... the fire nation attacked!!

Oh... wait..

That was avatar...

Sorry wrong story!

Anyways, there was a guy named Deadward CULTen who just so happened to meet a very delicious piece of meat, no sexual hints implied, named Bella Swan.

Apparently, the so called Bella Swan is nothing like what her surname compares to.

She was klutzy and very graceless... something a swan is NOT.

The 5 minutes that they shared a mindless conversation, with some very restrained blood sucking impulse, they have fallen deeply in love.

Mike was furious.

Jessica was ecstatic that she has Mike for herself, yet jealous that she wasn't able to charm Deadward like the plain and charmless Bella. How she envied her klutziness, and unrealistic karma.

Eric was somehow disappointed.

Barney the dinosaur went on a rampage. "HOW COULD SHE NOT LOVE ME!?!?! HE'S MORE OF A FREAK THAN A PURPLE DINOSAUR LIKE ME!!"

Jacob was even more furious that he transformed, using his 'shapeshifting' abilities, into a werewolf shape shifter's form. His rough howling was NOTHING compared to the over exagerated adjective of Bella's description of Deadward's voice...

"Oh, Deadward," Bella muttered.

"Oh, Bella," Deadward murmured.

"I love you, Deadward," Bella muttered.

"I love you too, my Isabella. I only love you!" Deadward murmured, "But I'm too dangerous for you! I could snap you like a twig, and I want to eat you!"

Bella smiled, totally oblivous to the fact that he totally could eat her. "That's alright, Deadward. You love me too much to eat me."

No, I... I can't" he murmured once again. "You are too good for me!"

"No! It is you who is two good for me!" she muttered loudly.

This went on for hours, or maybe it was days, but they didn't care, their love was to inevitably strong.

"DEADWARD!"

"BELLA!"

"DEADWARD!"

"BELLA!" and so on and so forth.

Finally it was Monday again, and Bella and her Deadward walked and murmured and muttered all the way to school.


	2. The Sparkly Ones

"Oh no! the sun! RUN DEADWARD!" but it was too late. The sun sprayed light on Deadward, and he began to sparkle brightly.

"GASP!" was the word heard from all around. The sun was clouded again, and the sparkle was no more.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Mike shouted, Jessica hushed him.

"Ummm... Edward wears a lot of glitter, so... when the sun shows, it's really bright." Bella muttered. Deadward's eyes were wide, and noded and murmured and nodded again.

"Yeah, that's it," he murmured quietly.

"Yeah! Deadward Culten, encouraging men to wear more glitter!" Bella muttered loudly to everyone, throwing her arms up.

"Amen?" Jessica questionly muttered.

Mike was suddenly blinded, quite literally, with his infinite love for Bella. He quickly said good bye to Jessica and ran to the nearest handicraft shop.

"Where's he going?", Bella murmured to her sparkly Adonis statue.

"I read his mind. He said that he would buy something sparklier than me. PFT! Nothing could beat my spark- hey!"

Deadward was cut off when Mike returned with a shiny disco outfit.

"Who's sparkly now?" he challenged the walking dead.  
"Bella, if you like a guy who has absolute feminine freaky tendencies and sparkles, you should have told me earlier! Now I'm sparklier than him! That makes me better than him now, does it? Now... will you go out with me?"

Mike rambled on and on how sparkly he could get. Eric soon joined in with a large discoball outfit. Then all of a sudden, the whole guy population of Forks, even the elderly, showed up with their sparkliest clothes and glittered and gold painted skin.

Different voices were heard.

"How about me, Bella?"

"I'm the sparkliest!"

"No I am the sparkliest!"

"SILENCE!! THE AVATAR IS THE SPARKLIEST!! Even my eyes glow when I am in my Avatar state!" , Aang passionately retaliated.

"SHUT yo Pie Holes man! I am Green Lantern! The brightest and glittery of you sparkly wanna bes! My magic ring will bring even the sparkliest to shame!"

"GET HIS RING!!", they all chanted.

"Oh... s***!"

Bella didn't bother staring at the boys who so desperately wanted to be like her walking dead and statue.

Edward smiled at Bella, not to the fact that he's looking at her, but the fact that she looks really helpless... and smells tasty.

Deadward licked his lips. Bella thought he was trying to be seductive and she pulled him to the nearest empty shelf that came out of no where to begin her long desired ministrations.

"I could eat you right now..." the lust driven Bella said as she roughly dragged him in passion.

"I could say the same for you..." he licked his lips once again. His eyes focused on her neck.

Because Bella has two so called major flaws, klutziness and stupidity (CR: anyone want to correct me on this one?) she didn't realise the literal hunger in Deadwards eyes.

She thought it was the hunger for her... erm... *bleep*

"DEADWARD!"

"BELLA!"

"DEADWARD!"

"Bella?" they turned to see Mike staring at them.

"Why Bella, WHY!???!!!" he fell onto the ground and curled up into a ball.

Bella jumped off Edward and ran into the wall.

"The pain! The inevitable--DEADWARD!" she runs toward him and misses, and instead, hit's another wall.

"THE PAIN! THE INEVIABLE--DEADWARD!" and this also went on for a while, Mike was forever entombed onto the floor curled into a ball.

The next day came soon.


	3. WTF?

jASSper whispers to Emmett. "I bet you 10 bucks they're going to call their baby out of the loch ness monster."

Emmett frowns. "No way jAZZ! They're going to name their kid out of something stupid. Like, let's say Renesmee. Oh wait... on second thought, they're not gonna have one since 'WE' can't have kids."

jASSper smiles. "10 bucks and chores for the loser."

"Deal!"

The blonde smiles triumphantly and smiles at his beloved petite doll. "It's so convenient to have a girlfriend who can see the future."

Alice smiles. "Yeah! I could even see they're future hot sessions too!"

"OH SAY CAN YOU SEE, THAT DEADWARD AND BELLA, HAVE--"

"WE REPEAT! SHUT UP!" everyone yelled at the annoymous singer.

"FINE!" the person yelled back.

"Well, Deadward, I am going to pretend to like you, even though i hate you, but I will pretend to like you because, of Bella," Jacob announced as he walked into the caf.

"Ditto!" Mike shouted from the edge of the caf, Jessica hushed him one more.

"Random?" Edward asked.

"Very," Bella murmured.

"Well, that's nice. WE'RE GRADUATING IN A FEW DAYS!" Alice mutters extremely loudly and spazzy.

"WOOT WOOT!" everyone mutters in unison.

"Yay! That means we could..." Bella flirtatiously twirls her brunette hair.

"Could...?"

"Don't you dare, pale-glitter boy!", Mike shouts once again, his arms flailing in disapproval. Jessica grabs his arm and pulls him down next to her.

Jacob knew that Edward was a vampire, so he thought quite loudly. "Whatever you do to her... I will do to you."

Deadward deadpans at the thought.

Jacob: Lets go to La Push together Bella!

*Bella scruntches up in her face in disgust*

Bella: What is that? Some kind of gay bar?

*Jacob looks down in embarassment*

Jacob: umm...errr...no... its where I live!

Bella: Oh! so you live in a gay bar?

Deadward: who lives in a gaybar?

Jacob: Shut up! That's not true! Atleast I don't sleep in a smelly coffin.

Deadward: Say that again...

Jacob: smelly... cof-

Deadward suddenly tackles Jacob. Everyone in the cafeteria gasped as they watched- making bets at the same time.

"OKAY! OKAY! WHO WANTS TO BET!?" Jasper calls out to the crowd.

Suddenly, everyone surrounded the blonde male vampire and making their bets.

Someone whispers. "I bet you Edward would turn gay and kiss Jacob."

"I think it would be the other way around. After all... he does live in a gaybar."

Mike: Didn't I see you and Deadward walk into a gay bar together? I swear I did. What was it called again? I think it was called La push or something like that... Oh wait! I remember! That was a dream! silly me. *mike thinks to him self* "that was the best dream I've ever had!!!"

Bella: Mike SHUT UP! You're just jealouse of Deadward because he SPARKLES and you don't! So just shut the heck up cause no one likes you anyways!!! *bella pouts*

Suddenly, a huge purple dinosaur comes out and hugs Mike.

"Don't feel bad Mike. Here! Let me sing you a love song."

Barney starts to sing his theme song.

"I love you, you love me, we are friends and family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won't you say you love me too?"

Mike stops crying and relaxes. Barney hugs him.

"Thanks Barney! You're my best friend!"

Jessica gets jealous and sing rather loudly.

"But I love you!", she sings as she reaches for a door that once again came out of no where. "You love me!" She takes out a shotgun and loads it. "Let's get together and kill Barney." She aims the gun to the unsuspecting dinosaur. "With a big shot gun."

BANG!

"And Barney on the floor..."

Barney's body was on the floor, the blood of the man who was playing the mascot pools the suit.

"No more purple dinosaur.", she ends with a sadistic smile as she looks down at the mascot in triumph.

Everyone claps except the Cultens... their eyes on the blood on the floor.


End file.
